BrainSpew (brainspew) wrote,
BrainSpew
brainspew

Everything seems to be a lie.

I'm feeling very lonely right now, wishing I had people to talk to that could console me, pat me on the back and tell me everything is going to be okay. Not that this would do any good in helping me solve what are quickly becoming mountains in my path. It would atleast allow me the sensation that someone cares and can act on that care.

I've been trying to pick at the abstractions I labor under as if they were a scab on a 3 day old scratch. If you pick long enough with enough persistence you're eventually going to rip it off. I feel like the abstractions I am laboring under are unravelling even further.

The lastest to go is the idea of me wanting a Job. I don't want a job. I don't want a place I go to for eight hours of my day (more like 12 if you count the time before and after for preperation and unwinding) only to spend it toiling away detached from the rest of the world. I'm currently working a research Job. I work around people, but they might as well not exist. It feels more like their existence is a massive tease. "Look at all the people around you, how can you call yourself isolated?" And yet I am. I don't interact with my peers at my job. We don't even work together, we are all working independently on our own subprojects. At best you could fuck some code up to make people hunt you down to fix it.

I don't want to be working a job. I don't want to have an occupation or a vocation. I don't want to leave my relaxation time only to come back to it 12 hours later. If you're taking this as if I didn't want to work, that I just want to stay home and play video games all day or something, then you are laboring under the same infected concept I've been laboring under. I still want to work. I still want to produce. But I want it to be seemlessly integrated into my lifestyle. I don't want the transitions between work and play to be so pronounced in my awareness. I don't want to be working by myself for long hours at a time. I want to be able to work as I go, switch seemlessly between work and play. I want to be working with the people I play with and playing with the people that i work with.

This realization just adds one more abstraction that has gone down in flames in my life. The fire is quickly spreading. I can feel it spreading to the abstractions that dictate how I interact with people. They're completely arbitrary. I behave a certain way around others because I expect them to react a certain way to my behaviours. The entire mess originates within me. I don't know what the other person is really going to do. Intangible boundries used to be so firm to me, but becoming aware of them has cast them into the class of tenuous and arbitrary abstractions. Like touching someone without their permission or even approval. I've boxed myself into a limitted set of behaviours to ensure that I don't step on anybodies imagined toes. I'm wrestling myself, choking myself with all these abstractions that dictate how I can behave. If these things don't go, I won't be able to breath without stealing somebody else's air. But if all these abstractions go, I'm left to do anything I desired. I would have more freedom than I would know what to do with. I would suffer from over stimulation by trying to pick one option out of many.

Its all fake, arbitrary. And it is all coming from myself. What abstractions do I want to labor under? Whats it like to labor under no abstractions, to see no boundries, to allow yourself the ability to perform every possibility you can imagine?

I don't want to go home. Its too lonely there. But where else do I have to go? My abstractions are blinders on my eyes, I can only see one solution. How do I get myself to see the world of possibilities? How do I get rid of the abstractions that I make in order to avoid my fears? If I could stop fearing, stop worrying, the abstractions would dissolve.

Right now I have to do everything intentionally. I have to prep myself, convince myself to cross a boundry. I don't want to have to do this. I just want to cross it, effortlessly.

I'm falling apart with anxiety and fear. I don't want a job, is there anything left that isn't what I perceive to be a job?
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